Laughing matters

[72XYGT]

I need a prayer.....

[gordini]

The Jewish Elbow.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
____________________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

[Leonvdb]

My next door neighbours, two cute blonde lesbians, asked me what I would like for my birthday.......


I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!

It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said....


“I just wanna watch.”

[gordini]

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[Mopar 440]

THE SCOTTISH COW.


The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"

[DDT]

1044495_559003624135954_1756640960_n.jpg (39.7 KiB) Viewed 2265 times

[Insomnia]

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie.

This genie however, was a little different. He stated he could only deliver
one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into
beer. Make that Victoria Bitter."

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the sea
turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead.
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[gordini]

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points in his body..
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing
the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie
and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

[Burnthosetyres]

Eish!

[Insomnia]

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