7 days a week laugh.

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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Tue 28 Jan 2014, 14:07

The urine sample

One particular time I was so ill I ended up in hospital.
This one nurse just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
“And how are we doing this morning?”





Or
“Are we ready for a bath?”
Or
“Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!


The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
“Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted... I just smiled.




DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Insomnia
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Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by Insomnia » Wed 29 Jan 2014, 15:41

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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by Insomnia » Thu 30 Jan 2014, 11:43

:lol:
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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Thu 30 Jan 2014, 14:44

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE
IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO
GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -
THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife & Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room
and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading
was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Thu 30 Jan 2014, 17:04

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Insomnia
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by Insomnia » Mon 03 Feb 2014, 14:16

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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Mon 03 Feb 2014, 19:22

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.
Is this a great country or what?
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Insomnia
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by Insomnia » Tue 04 Feb 2014, 09:47

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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Tue 04 Feb 2014, 11:02

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.


Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”


He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

User avatar
gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Tue 04 Feb 2014, 11:26

New banknote.jpg
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In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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