7 days a week laugh.

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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Wed 22 Jan 2014, 11:23

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair,
and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me.
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
----------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they
fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains
the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was
watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you
because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Insomnia
Posts: 5832
Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by Insomnia » Wed 22 Jan 2014, 13:33

• Johannesburg - A North West man is claiming R250m from Eskom for preventing power cuts through his own prayers, Beeld newspaper reported on Wednesday.
Nelson Thabo Modupe, of Lichtenburg, has argued that he prevented power cuts during the 2010 Soccer World Cup through his prayers.
He is a member of the Zion Christian Church.
In a letter to Eskom, he said the main reason for load shedding was lightning and wind, and that he had taken it upon himself to pray to God and ask that no power cuts take place.
As a result, Eskom now owes him R250m, because he saved the power utility the burden and humiliation of load shedding.
Alternatively, Eskom can offer him a partnership in the company.
The claim has been placed on the court roll in the North West High Court for Thursday.
- SAPA

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werner
Posts: 461
Joined: Tue 24 Sep 2013, 23:35
Location: Cape Town

Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by werner » Wed 22 Jan 2014, 22:57

Why's the blond's belly button bruised.


Her boyfriend is allso blond.

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Insomnia
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Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by Insomnia » Thu 23 Jan 2014, 09:52

.
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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Thu 23 Jan 2014, 10:06

Asunto: Dr. Epstein

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he broke wind stertorously.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, but one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"
--
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Thu 23 Jan 2014, 11:42

He asked his wife Mary if she would go
to Builders Warehouse and pick up a hinge.





Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.





When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is R5,400.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap.
It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.





From the storeroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the Bath Tap.



This is why you can't send a woman to
BUILDERS WAREHOUSE.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Mopar 440
Posts: 1606
Joined: Fri 20 Apr 2012, 14:55
Location: Roodepoort, Gauteng, South Africa.

Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by Mopar 440 » Sat 25 Jan 2014, 09:45

Image
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gordini
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Sat 25 Jan 2014, 11:18

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie,"but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam."You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog".
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

User avatar
gordini
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Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
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Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Sun 26 Jan 2014, 11:47

A Day at the Races.
> A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he
> met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got
> on famously and ended up in bed.
>
> The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
> the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she
> was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
>
>
> In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked
> through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100
> at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
>
> In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the
> lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
>
> In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing
> her growler. He backed nothing.
> After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
> races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked.
> 'It paid a fortune?'
>
> 'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was
> scratched!'
>
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

User avatar
gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
Contact:

Re: 7 days a week laugh.

Post by gordini » Mon 27 Jan 2014, 17:06

Testicle disorder

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were
exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill
with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme
pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse
performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund."
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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