7 days a week laugh.

[gordini]

Laugh once a day for one week
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex..

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'


The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly,
'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific "hoochie-mamma" who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in Canada with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

[Insomnia]

.

[gordini]

EMBARRASSMENT


A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table
and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy

whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[Insomnia]

Yeah Kid,you are doing it right.

[Insomnia]

Parking, you're doing it wrong.

[gordini]

Parking, you're doing it wrong.

Must be a BMW fan...decorating the entrance to his home

[gordini]

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Mopar 440]

[gordini]

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:



'I went by your grandma's house today and

I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:


'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,


the best I ever had!'


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad


but the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy,

your grandma liked it!'


At this point the biker stands up,

takes the drunk by the shoulders

looks him square in the eyes and says....................



'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

[gordini]

What is payday?
The day when:

Everybody wakes up with a song,
Everybody goes to work in their cars,
Fills up their tanks like it’s an everyday thing (but R400, not completely full)
Everybody sings along to music in their cars,
Nobody packs lunch,
Breakfast changes from Weet-Bix to Wimpy,
Items are bought oblivious of debt pending,
Nando's and Debonairs for supper,
Mense phone somma instead of messaging,
Avon is paid for and the new order is immediately placed in,
The geyser is somma left On all day,
The dogs and cats even eat luxuries,
The car guard finally gets a tip,
The guy by the robot also gets a Mandela note,
Pacific becomes Stuyvesant,
Hare word soma gedoen by die salon!
Husbands are now nicknamed from "jou rubbish" to "my luvy".
Kids are called "mummy se engels" instead of "ondankbare gatte"...
Sugar been borrowed gets replaced with a Full kg and a smile.

And all this happens only once a month!