Page 9 of 25

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Thu 04 Jul 2013, 09:01
by Mopar 440
Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
Table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
Under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit
His head on the table and emerged red-faced

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
Followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
And moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
And Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.
Sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went
To the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly
Dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.. And upon arriving,
Asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by
For a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
In fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home
And pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Thu 04 Jul 2013, 14:09
by gordini
These glorious insults are from an era before the English
language became boiled down to four-letter words.

• A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
• "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

• "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

• "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

• "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

• "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

• "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

•"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

• "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
• "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

• "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

• "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

• "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

• "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

• "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

• "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

• "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

• "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Fri 05 Jul 2013, 07:36
by Insomnia

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Fri 05 Jul 2013, 11:19
by Mopar 440
Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his car's engine bay.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we
are married I think it's time you quit racing. Maybe you should sell your muscle car."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Fri 05 Jul 2013, 13:19
by Insomnia

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Tue 09 Jul 2013, 15:07
by ters
Funeral.....jpg (30.81 KiB) Viewed 456 times
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…


Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Thu 11 Jul 2013, 09:04
by gordini
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal!

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used , as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:51
by Insomnia

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Sun 14 Jul 2013, 22:07
by gordini
> A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
> relationship with your husband.
> The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
> All the women raised their hands.
> Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband
> you loved him?"
> Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
> The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text
> their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
> The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the
> text message responses.
> Here are some of the replies:
> 1. Who is this?
> 2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
> 3. I love you too.
> 4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
> 5. I don't understand what you mean?
> 6. What did you do now?
> 7. ?!?
> 8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
> 9. Am I dreaming?
> 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for,
> someone will die.
> 11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
> 12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

Re: Laughing matters

Posted: Mon 15 Jul 2013, 11:42
by gordini

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!