Laughing matters

Chat about anything that doenst fit in anywehere else
Forum rules
When posting topics on the forum please make sure:
  • ● The posts are not political
  • ● The posts are not about religion
  • ● Please keep posts civil and don't be nasty to other members
User avatar
gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
Contact:

Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Tue 18 Jun 2013, 20:27

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.



SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.



Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my fook’in bike.



Drive By: A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!




SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen




Pregnant Prostitute:
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"



Sex Research (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!



KULULA
Paddy calls Kulula to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane! "
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

User avatar
gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
Contact:

Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 24 Jun 2013, 09:41

A South African, American, Frenchman and a Zimbabwean on top of the Eiffel Tower .

The American throws a load of money off the top.

"Why did you do that"? Ask the others.

"We have so much money in the States I can afford to do it" says the American.

"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the top, saying "we have so much champagne in France I can afford to do it"

The Zimbabwean looks at the South African and says " Don't you f***ing dare!"
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

User avatar
Insomnia
Posts: 5832
Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Mon 24 Jun 2013, 15:45

:lol:
Attachments
Cop.JPG
Cop.JPG (183.41 KiB) Viewed 507 times

User avatar
Mopar 440
Posts: 1606
Joined: Fri 20 Apr 2012, 14:55
Location: Roodepoort, Gauteng, South Africa.

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Mopar 440 » Wed 26 Jun 2013, 12:04

Image
(O O {]{]{]||[}[}[} O O)

User avatar
68barracuda
Posts: 702
Joined: Fri 27 Jun 2008, 22:04
Location: Tiegerpoort, Pretoria
Contact:

Re: Laughing matters

Post by 68barracuda » Wed 26 Jun 2013, 17:58

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."
Regards,
Fanie Gerber
It's never junk, it's just a part you're not currently using

http://www.valiant50.co.za
Just say I own a few Mopars

User avatar
Insomnia
Posts: 5832
Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Thu 27 Jun 2013, 09:46

:lol: :twisted:
Attachments
Stick figure.jpg
Stick figure.jpg (49.93 KiB) Viewed 433 times

User avatar
gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
Contact:

Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Thu 27 Jun 2013, 10:14

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked:

"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."
Lesson: Don’t mess with the wisdom . . . . . . . we are not brain dead!!
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

User avatar
gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
Contact:

Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Thu 27 Jun 2013, 13:21

Four Of The Best Comeback Responses



Number 1:


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:


In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----


NUMBER 3


Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
"Oh, no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."


NUMBER 4



Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence)
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

User avatar
Mopar 440
Posts: 1606
Joined: Fri 20 Apr 2012, 14:55
Location: Roodepoort, Gauteng, South Africa.

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Mopar 440 » Tue 02 Jul 2013, 10:57

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, and not shy of showing off their assets.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.
(O O {]{]{]||[}[}[} O O)

User avatar
gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
Contact:

Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Wed 03 Jul 2013, 10:38

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden: POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!?! Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!' Then POOF!... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' DON'T SWING!!!'
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

Post Reply

Social Media

     

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests