Laughing matters

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Insomnia
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Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Fri 07 Jun 2013, 10:43

Birthday Idea for Naughty Kids.
there’s a guy named DOMINIC DEVILLE, who rents himself out as an “EVIL BIRTHDAY CLOWN.” he leaves scary notes for your children, warning them that they’re being watched and that they will soon be attacked!! SERIOUSLY…at the end of a terrifying week, your child will indeed be attacked…..DEVILLE, wearing a freaky clown mask, will smash a cake into your child’s face. he harasses his targets with texts, phone calls, and letters to let them know that he’s “coming to get them.” GOOD GRAVY…the creepy clown says that it’s “all in fun”, and he will tone it down if the parents ask him to….
by the way, here he is…
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Insomnia
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Fri 07 Jun 2013, 12:37

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Insomnia
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Fri 07 Jun 2013, 14:14

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 10 Jun 2013, 11:41

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager came down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wanted to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother said to her, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 10 Jun 2013, 14:34

Don't Mess With Senior citizens!

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday
by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.
When she checked out the next morning,
the desk clerk handed her a bill for R2500.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high.

"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth R2500.00
for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that R2500.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had
been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:

"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and
a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen
one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved,
she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.

"But Madam, this cheque is for only R500.00."

"That's correct; I charged you R2000.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here,
and you could have."
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Insomnia
Posts: 5832
Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Tue 11 Jun 2013, 07:49

Koos went hunting one day and shot two Springbok. He loaded them onto the back of his bakkie and was driving home when
stopped by a Fauna and Flora warden who did not like hunters.

The warden ordered Koos to show him his hunting licence, which was duly produced. Then the warden lifted the covers off the bakkie and stuck his nose into one of the bucks’ anus.

"Haaikona this is not a local Springbok. It’s from the Free State and you need a Free State licence to kill it. Do you have one?"

Koos opened the cubby and produced one.

Not happy the warden sniffed the anus of the other animal and gleefully shouted: "This one is from Lesotho. Do you have a Lesotho licence?"

Koos went back to his cubby and produced a Lesotho licence.

The warden was very agitated and shouted: "Where the hell do you come from?"

Koos smiled, turned around, dropped his pants to his ankles, bent forward and said:

"Ruik self .......jy’s mos die expert

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Wed 12 Jun 2013, 14:04

The Advantages of living after 50!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.


02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.


03. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.


04. People call at 9 pm and ask, “did I wake you?"


05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


07. Things you buy now won't wear out.


08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.


09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.


10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.


13. You sing along with elevator music.


14. Your eyes won't get much worse.


15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list.


20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Most importantly, never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Insomnia
Posts: 5832
Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Thu 13 Jun 2013, 14:39

:roll:
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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Fri 14 Jun 2013, 08:33

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot
a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe
my eyes.
There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've
finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face
up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered,

yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.

It's been such a long, long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"



"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

User avatar
gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
Contact:

Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Sat 15 Jun 2013, 11:18

The best way to get rid of a Parktown prawn...

The best way to get rid of them is with a tennis racket, a container that can close and a brick. (This is a two man approach):

Step1:
Approach slowly with the tennis racket while your partner stands by with the container and lid.
Step 2:
Prod the prawn to make it jump.
Step 3:
When it jumps, take a full swing with the racket, if you hit it against the wall hard enough, you may knock it out temporarily.
Step 4:
Quickly, get the prawn in the container before it recovers, move fast, it does not take long.
Step 5:
Find a solid piece of ground outside, this is the messy part.
Step 6:
Shake the container rapidly to knock the prawn out and chuck it on the ground.
Step 7:
Flatten the prawn with the brick.
Step 8:
Clean up the mess before the other prawns find out.
Step 9:
Run inside and lock all the doors and windows.
Step 10:
Seek councelling..
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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