Laughing matters

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Thu 11 Apr 2013, 08:54

Why coloureds can't be terrorists: by MARK LOTTERING

- Ons is altyd laat. We would have missed all 4 flights.

- We talk loud and would bring attention to ourselves.

- Met free kos en cooldrink oppie plane, we'll sommer forget why we're there.

- We praat with our hands, so we'll continually be putting the weapons down.

- We would ALL want to fly the freaking plane, ending in a "moerse" fight with each other.

- We'll sommer argue and start a fight in the terminal before we even get on the plane & one of us is bound to say out loud: 'Gaan k@k man! Dan hijack jy die f.. plane alleen!!'

- Ons kannie 'n secret hou nie. We would have told everyone a week before doing it, telling them: 'Moet vir niemand se nie, ho!'

- We would have insisted that the plane fly past Strandfontein Pavillion.

- We would have all lined up to get our photograph taken by one of the hostages.

- When we enter the cockpit, we would have used the intercom system for a karaoke session, with one doos trying to sing 'I did it my way'.

- We would first rob every one of their Ray-Bans, cellphones and gold teeth, just before we crash the plane.

- Our whole freaking family plus neighbors would have been at the airport to see us off, crying their "bleddie" eyes out, and your mother saying to the white ou next to her: 'I'm so proud of him. It's the first time he's hijacking a plane!'

- We would have dressed like terrorists for our airport go-way clothes: balaclavas, jumpsuits, karate skoentjies, dark glasses, en 'n moerse attitude.

- Two of us would have forgotten our passports at home..

- Three of us would have overweight luggage.

- All of us would have luggage.

- We would have all wanted to watch the in-flight movie first.

- Before we went into action, we would have all queued up at the toilet to first gel our hair.

- We would have taken the plane for a joyride first, played the music at full blast and try to park the plane somewhere where the chicks could see us...
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Tue 16 Apr 2013, 09:40

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman
... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one
girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect
girl....the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right
everything...I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Tue 16 Apr 2013, 09:42

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let
them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Wed 17 Apr 2013, 10:37

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed in the Fortune Magazine:

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms."
3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

--
--
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Thu 18 Apr 2013, 12:52

Geography of Women and Men


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!



Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.



Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.



Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.



Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.



Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.



After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by a pair of nuts......................... :? :?
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



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Insomnia
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Thu 18 Apr 2013, 14:15

:!:
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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 06 May 2013, 11:48

Forgot My Glasses
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about me "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I 'm in trouble again, and I don 't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 06 May 2013, 17:30

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people ( mostly men ) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.
It works like this:
It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub.
A typical situation is: " OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!"
However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:
" Why is it so quiet ?? Oh No !!! It's half past one !! WHAT HAPPENED ???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation !!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody ( except Fellow time travellers ) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 06 May 2013, 20:39

Pick up line backfire ..

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to
her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for
a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring
at them.


Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean R200?"
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Tue 07 May 2013, 10:46

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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