Laughing matters

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C-Body Barge
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by C-Body Barge » Thu 14 Mar 2013, 11:47

gordini wrote:SOME UNEXPECTED JOLLITY

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Get this man a bells :D





But who you might ask is gonna be paying for the bells :?:
Hot rodders recycle, where's those prius' going when the greenies have a new fad.

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Thu 14 Mar 2013, 20:37

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned!, Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 25 Mar 2013, 09:08

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"


"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.


"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Wed 27 Mar 2013, 19:27

The Tax Man At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 01 Apr 2013, 12:07

1.I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. Ronald Reagan
2.This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
3.I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite. Tommy Cooper
4.If you look like your passport picture, you probably needed the weekend trip.
5.Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one. Spike Milligan
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Fri 05 Apr 2013, 09:26

Do you need a laugh??
What Religion is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Sat 06 Apr 2013, 10:25

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.


The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, " That smells like sh*t !!!!"
The little old lady said, "It is, I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."


Don't mess with old people!
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Sat 06 Apr 2013, 13:37

APHORISMS FOR THE YEAR...
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.



ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population



"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."


The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Tue 09 Apr 2013, 15:09

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in the Heights and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build theArk before I will start the unending rain for’ 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit." "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting trees due to the drought and the spotted owl"
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Mopar 440
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by Mopar 440 » Tue 09 Apr 2013, 15:28

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