Laughing matters
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- gordini
- Posts: 5363
- Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
- Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
- Contact:
Re: Laughing matters
Letter to a men's helpline...
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;
she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for
her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night
about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she
got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties
out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched
behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine
mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace
the whole bracket?
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;
she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for
her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night
about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she
got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties
out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched
behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine
mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace
the whole bracket?
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..
From Malmesbury
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..
From Malmesbury
- gordini
- Posts: 5363
- Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
- Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
- Contact:
Re: Laughing matters
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you look after my dog?"
You know, it’s really kuk being a senior citizen!!!
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you look after my dog?"
You know, it’s really kuk being a senior citizen!!!
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..
From Malmesbury
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..
From Malmesbury
Re: Laughing matters
And that's how the fight started....
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply
saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me..
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started....
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed... I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
s proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started........
Ters.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply
saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me..
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started....
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed... I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
s proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started........
Ters.
When it comes to the wife its easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission!
AMC Forum now accessible on Tapatalk! http://www.tsclassicclinic.co.za/
AMC Forum now accessible on Tapatalk! http://www.tsclassicclinic.co.za/
Re: Laughing matters
Ters
I read this to my wife, laughing all the time, almost rolling on the floor.......
And that's how the fight started.
I read this to my wife, laughing all the time, almost rolling on the floor.......
And that's how the fight started.
- gordini
- Posts: 5363
- Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
- Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
- Contact:
Re: Laughing matters
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,....... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own blanket.'
The End
A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,....... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own blanket.'
The End
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..
From Malmesbury
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..
From Malmesbury
Re: Laughing matters
Embarrassing Medical Examinations
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady?s dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . .. . . . .
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Ters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady?s dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . .. . . . .
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Ters.
When it comes to the wife its easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission!
AMC Forum now accessible on Tapatalk! http://www.tsclassicclinic.co.za/
AMC Forum now accessible on Tapatalk! http://www.tsclassicclinic.co.za/
Re: Laughing matters
Keep them coming guys.
Rassie.
Rassie.
Re: Laughing matters
Health and Wellness, You are doing it Right, Hic!
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Re: Laughing matters
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- gordini
- Posts: 5363
- Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
- Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
- Contact:
Re: Laughing matters
Koos went hunting one day and shot two Springbok. He loaded them onto the back of his bakkie and was driving home when
stopped by a Fauna and Flora warden who did not like hunters.
The warden ordered Koos to show him his hunting licence, which was duly produced. Then the warden lifted the covers off the bakkie and stuck his nose into one of the bucks' anus.
"Haaikona this is not a local Springbok. It's from the Free State and you need a Free State licence to kill it. Do you have one?"
Koos opened the cubby and produced one.
Not happy the warden sniffed the anus of the other animal and gleefully shouted: "This one is from Lesotho . Do you have a Lesotho licence?"
Koos went back to his cubby and produced a Lesotho licence.
The warden was very agitated and shouted: "Where the hell do you come from?"
Koos smiled, turned around, dropped his pants to his ankles, bent forward and said:
"Ruik self jou moer .......jy's mos die expert!"
stopped by a Fauna and Flora warden who did not like hunters.
The warden ordered Koos to show him his hunting licence, which was duly produced. Then the warden lifted the covers off the bakkie and stuck his nose into one of the bucks' anus.
"Haaikona this is not a local Springbok. It's from the Free State and you need a Free State licence to kill it. Do you have one?"
Koos opened the cubby and produced one.
Not happy the warden sniffed the anus of the other animal and gleefully shouted: "This one is from Lesotho . Do you have a Lesotho licence?"
Koos went back to his cubby and produced a Lesotho licence.
The warden was very agitated and shouted: "Where the hell do you come from?"
Koos smiled, turned around, dropped his pants to his ankles, bent forward and said:
"Ruik self jou moer .......jy's mos die expert!"
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..
From Malmesbury
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..
From Malmesbury
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