Laughing matters

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Insomnia
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Fri 21 Feb 2014, 11:40

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Fri 21 Feb 2014, 12:00

Insomnia wrote:Thought for the day...

" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
My signature that :roll: :roll: :roll:
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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ters
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by ters » Fri 21 Feb 2014, 15:21

8O
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Ters.
When it comes to the wife its easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission!
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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Fri 21 Feb 2014, 19:44

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In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Sat 22 Feb 2014, 11:27

Vaseline survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline, have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken aback,
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
And I very much admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...
my husband and I put it on the door knob, and it keeps the kids out.

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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werner
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Location: Cape Town

Re: Laughing matters

Post by werner » Sat 22 Feb 2014, 16:48

Confucius say



Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him.

Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.

Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned.

Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end.

Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end.

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. (thanks to Ben Hiscock)

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails.

Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Hourglasses are waste of time. (thanks to John Serventy)

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. (thanks to Juleen Dickins)

All men eat, but Fu Man Chu.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

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werner
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by werner » Sat 22 Feb 2014, 18:15

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Sun 23 Feb 2014, 13:31

Last night the Missus, my kid and I had the greatest time in an old Tavern in the heart of the Mother City (Cape Town). All went well until a man of about 25 years started making trouble (a bit drunk).

So I walked up to him and said: "You better sit down son!" :idea: :idea:

He started giving some lip

I looked at him and said: "I'm 55 and a black belt karate expert and will take you on ANY day!"

The fucker 8O 8O :? chose 7 July 2034.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Mon 24 Feb 2014, 14:21

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Leonvdb
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Joined: Tue 29 May 2012, 13:23
Location: Witbank

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Leonvdb » Tue 25 Feb 2014, 08:20

A man received a message from his neighbour:
"Sorry sir I have been using your wife day and night when you are not present at home -- maybe using more than you are using. Now I feel very much guilt. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man shot his wife...

A few minutes later he received another message:

Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wifi not wife.

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