Laughing matters

[Insomnia]

[gordini]

Observations on Growing Older


~Your kids are becoming you ...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.
Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... but it's OK
because other people forgot
they even knew you!!!
~The 5kgs you wanted to lose is now 15 and you
have a better chance of losing your keys than the 5kgs.
~You realize you're never going to be really good
at anything .... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don't care to do them anymore.
~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair
with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem .....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something
that made you climb on a table.
~You used to use more 4 letter words ..
"what?"..."when?"... ???
~Now that you can afford
expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband has a night out with the guys,
but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired ...
you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

[gordini]

It's Great to be a Souf Efrikan!!!

This is a great country because…

1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.

2. Nothing is your fault; you can blame it all on apartheid.

3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it.

4. You can experience pathetic service in eleven official languages.

5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?

6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing.

7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.

8. Great accent. (!!!)

9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world.

10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house.

11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.

12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes/accidents, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times.

13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins

14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.

15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported..

16. A murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years.

17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!

18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled

19. Police cars are fitted with immobilizers and gear locks!

20. Condoms for free - shopping plastic bags for sale

Ja nee!! Dis lekker hier!!

[73Ranchero]

Ja mann, Africa is a tough country.

[Leonvdb]

[gordini]

A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone rings. He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says, 'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African. A future 'Bok for sure.'
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar. Barman says 'We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.
The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born'.
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: 'Had him circumcised, boet'.

[Insomnia]

[Leonvdb]

[Mopar 440]

[gordini]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side..

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew:

'Bastards won't let me fart.'