New week giggle

Chat about anything that doenst fit in anywehere else
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gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
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Re: New week giggle

Post by gordini » Sun 15 Sep 2013, 10:47

Dog on a plane

>>>
>>> Dog on a plane . . .
>>>>
>>>> A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man
>>>> sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ? The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: 'watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'. Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
>>>> 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and
>>>> this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's Arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' says his seat mate. The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place. The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a
>>>> well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb !'
>>>
>>> ----------
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
Posts: 5363
Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
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Re: New week giggle

Post by gordini » Sun 15 Sep 2013, 18:28

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Burnthosetyres
Posts: 2848
Joined: Mon 22 Nov 2010, 15:58
Location: Durban (Home of Sharks rugby) RSA

Re: New week giggle

Post by Burnthosetyres » Mon 16 Sep 2013, 06:17

can't read long story's....
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'A Camaro is a little animal that eats Mustangs!'

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Insomnia
Posts: 5832
Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: New week giggle

Post by Insomnia » Mon 16 Sep 2013, 11:03

Vintage ads.
Just does not look right, but is funny.
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gordini
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Joined: Tue 08 Jan 2008, 18:16
Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
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Re: New week giggle

Post by gordini » Mon 16 Sep 2013, 14:24

This is the best i've seen in a long time...

Lydia Lindeque, the pioneering South African actress and wife of Uys Krige
swore to her dying day that this story was true:

Around the late 1940's in a small rural Karoo town, in a town-hall made of
wood and iron, a traveling theatre company performed a play in Afrikaans.

The whole (white) town turned out. The mayor and the dominee, deacons and
dignitaries lined the front rows.

The rest of the audience were all coloured, restless and loud behind the
pound seats; obviously new to drama on the stage.

The melodrama proceeded...a shot is fired. An actress pitches over sideways
into the hero's arms. He turns, quivering, to the audience and implores, "En
wat moet ek nou maak?"

Someone right at the back calls out, "Naai haar voor sy koud word!"

The act is halted. The mayor confers with the dominee, addresses the
audience and unforthcoming culprit:"behave, or no more play".
The coloured konstabel is set to stroll up and down the central aisle,
brandishing his truncheon menacingly.

The actors crank it up again. On stage a cup of tea is sipped. With pinkie
cocked, the hero muses, "Wat is darem lekkerder as 'n koppie tee?"

The konstabel turns to the crowd, his truncheon prominent in his hand, "As
iemand poes sê, slat ek hom stukkend!"
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Billy_the_Kid
Posts: 177
Joined: Tue 10 Aug 2010, 10:15
Location: Pretoria

Re: New week giggle

Post by Billy_the_Kid » Mon 16 Sep 2013, 20:23

Height of Miscommunication!!!!!!
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael,

Mark was the owner of a old boat.

It so happened that Michael's wife died
the same day that Mark's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw
Mark and mistook him for Michael.
She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your
loss. You must just feel terrible."
Mark, thinking that she was talking
about his boat, said, "Heck no.
In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish.
She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back
and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger & she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these
four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't
very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.
The fools tried to get in her all at once & she split right up the middle."
The old lady fainted
My current rides
Ford Cortina Ldv 3.0L V6
Ford Transit 2.5L V6
Kawasaki GPZ 550 Customized
Kawasaki GPZ1100

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Billy_the_Kid
Posts: 177
Joined: Tue 10 Aug 2010, 10:15
Location: Pretoria

Re: New week giggle

Post by Billy_the_Kid » Thu 19 Sep 2013, 14:57

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband.
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without...but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
My wife and I always compromise; I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
My current rides
Ford Cortina Ldv 3.0L V6
Ford Transit 2.5L V6
Kawasaki GPZ 550 Customized
Kawasaki GPZ1100

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